Posts Tagged ‘pasture’


Chapter 1: An Occurance, 150 Miles Away From Home

April 27, 2010

Breathe Me by SIA

I can’t believe I was doing this! this was finally it! Could this be it for me? was I getting ready to embark on the first day of the rest of my life? this is what it felt like to me. I  was settling into my seat as my car began cruising to a mild 75 Mph on the unkempt and boring drive down the 99. I was heading South toward the big, boisterous city of Los Angeles.

I looked at my watch that my dad had purchased for me not even 24 hours ago, it was 11:15. I heard the soft murmur of the road, and something behind me in the back seat was moving around gently. “I hope it ain’t my cologne” I thought to myself. But I was still nervous. It wasn’t the fact that I was driving down the highway that made me nervous. It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t have enough money to live, let along pay for my gas once I arrived in the city. I had no place to stay, no means to get around, I haven’t even met my new boss yet! But that wasn’t what was bothering me. I couldn’t shake the fact  that I was leaving someone and something important behind. A tear came to my eye when I  thought of  leaving behind all of my friends and family. I had grown close to them and they had helped me through one of the worst moments of my young life growing up in the dodgy and woodsy town of Mariposa. I was leaving them behind as I began a new chapter of my life.

The radio was softly playing the famous “Six Feet Under” soundtrack when my phone received the text message:

“I’m sad”


It was my little sister.

I smiled and immediately another bout of tears surged through my eyes and I fought them back as I texted her with my response:

“Don’t be. Why?…I’m sad too”

I regretted pushing send. I was going to lose it driving! my little sister, who turns 18 on the 27th of April, who should be at school doing her work was texting me and I wasn’t ready for it. I had grown super close with my little sister over the course of one month than I had ever hoped to get. I saw her become a woman and I had been there for her in her times of need. We gave the each other advice on life and love and we did it with a hysterical smile on our faces. But I had to leave her for this new chapter of my life. And I was feeling selfish.

my phone buzzed again:

“cuz who am I going to hang out with and talk to? and your going to miss my bday and prom”


I read this message and I couldn’t hold back anymore tears. I immediately made for the exit ramp and drove fast  into a field in god knows where and I opened the door and yelled. I cried out as the tears came out my face with unstoppable force. How the hell did I get so fucking dramatic! Where the hell was I? I wanted to turn around and drive back, all of this was too much to bear for me. It was tiring me out.

After a good 10 minutes of unsightly yelping and screaming, I stood there with my car door open feeling nauseated and aching with allergies. I could hear the birds above me, calm creatures they are. And I heard a cow somewhere out on the field. I was also hearing the freeway behind me, beckoning me to continue driving towards my future.  I was scared, genuinely scared. I took the time to get out and catch some fresh air and, being as good a time as any, I decided to stretch my legs a little.

I walked down the dirt road with my phone in hand and my sweater in the other. A cool breeze came by and blew dust over my clothes which also pissed me off a little bit. But it did make me feel like I was in a better mood. I returned to my car and say on the the hood and looked out towards the merging I-5 South. I was really tired and I wanted to fall asleep. I felt peaceful here and I wanted to stay and take a nap in this place but one look at the inside of my car totally made me scratch that idea. I had so much crap in there I wasn’t going to rearrange anything that my friends helped me pack the night before just to get some last minute shuteye that was going to be totally uncomfortable and probably was only going to last all of a great 20 minutes. that wasn’t very appealing. it was hot. I hate the hot weather anyways.

I looked at my phone and reread the message over and over, allowing it to sink in and absorb. I was trying to picture my sister in class, probably feeling sentimental as to me leaving. I didn’t get a chance to hug her goodbye or anything. I didn’t get a chance to see her well before I left. I whipped open the SMS application on my blackberry and, with much more composure and civility, I responded:

“you can still call me. but I’m gonna miss you”

I hit send and looked towards the direction I came from. I was finally saying goodbye to a place that I hated, but it helped me mature and grow. I became an adult there. I was finally leaving home.

I was happy amidst all of the pain that I was feeling about leaving. I hopped off of my car and jumped back into the drivers seat, and made my way  South. I had made a choice, I had already received the going away party which meant I couldn’t come back! I had NO OTHER choice. I merged back onto traffic (Which wasn’t a lot considering it was noon on a monday), and blasted the radio again.

I got mad at myself for crying. Why was I doing this?!?! I should be celebrating my departure! I was going to a get a job that I have always wanted to do and I was finally doing it and once I was able to secure a paying job down there, I was unstoppable!

A smile crossed my face for the first time that day as I made my way closer and closer, without any place at all whatsoever, towards the city of dreams. I was without a care in the world. My mentality changed  on that pasture that day. I had to fight for what I wanted now! I was going to finally be free and do my own thing, I was going to be my own man and make my own name for myself. I was scared, but I was happy. And for the first time in a long while I genuinely felt happy.